What can be said of our glorious ruler? Surely his rise to power and subsequent rule were well deserved, and although his somewhat tyrannical rule deeply burdened his subjects, surely it was for the best.

His graduation from Calvin College in 2009 was a mere stepping stone to greatness. When World War 3 began in 2012 with the inception of genetically engineered North Koreans, he joined the military dutifully. His cause was moral: to stop these genetically engineered super humans from pervading society. He fought willfully in the battles of Hanoi, Irvine, and Phoenix. When the Korean Empire unveiled its insidious Giant Communist Robots in 2015, he had already accrued General status in the Air Force, and vowed to destroy all Giant Robots. He fought hard to quell the Giant Communist Robot onslaught, but was pushed all the way to the last bastion of freedom: The American Republic, formerly New Hampshire. Even the Koreans could not control the Giant Communist Robots, and eventually all of Asia succumbed to their equally distributed evil iron grip. Humanity was at an impasse.

When the American Republic began manufacturing clones to be used in their own Giant Capitalist Robots in 2018, his conscience led him to a choice few would make. The resulting coups d'état of the American Republic left the free world in shambles and the Giant Communist Robots with a great advantage. Through sheer force of will, however, he beat them back, and annihilated every sinister Giant Robot. His leadership in the military sciences allowed for the research and development of the Nuclear Bomb 2, a sequel to the original nuclear bomb, which, although somewhat disappointing and overproduced, was a weapon so powerful as to promise to vanquish the robot scum once and for all.

Much rebuilding was to be done in the aftermath of the final war to end all wars. Eurasia lay in ruin, a landscape of fallen Communist Robots. With his installment as supreme commander of humanity, our leader rose to rebuild the world. Technology advanced, cities were rebuilt, and the “Empire of America!” was established above the smoldering robot carcasses in former Europe.

Mankind flourished under the reign of the Leader, a man drawn to help his underlings. Although the Leader chose to withdraw into his Fortress of Solitude in 2040, he continued to fairly judge and justly rule every subject of his mighty empire.

Late in life in 2053, the Leader began to forget. He forgot all that he was, forgot all that he stood for. Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, he withdrew into his Fortress of Medical Laboratories. In 2054 he emerged with a revolutionary cure for Alzheimer’s disease and was promptly reinstated as Supreme Commander of the Empire of America!.

The construction of the Mighty Tower of Leading subsequently began construction in the fall of 2055. It was a grand and marvelous endeavor; the tower was to be eighty miles high and twenty miles wide. It was to be in the very image of the leader, and this in no way was an indicator of his burgeoning insanity. The construction of the statue was a long endeavor which caused many hardships, the most of which were an eight hundred percent decline in the Empire of America!’s economic gross national product, and no less than eighty thousand deaths among workers (although exact counts are impossible given that many of the dead were incorporated into the statue itself).

But for this our mighty and gracious leader cannot be blamed; only his benevolence led him to the tower. Although he eventually renounced anti-robotism and withdrew from his family, they remembered him as the kind tall man they had once known. Truly the final war to end all wars had cost a heavy penance on all people, but perhaps on the leader the most.

He is remembered as the great man he truly was, and his Mighty Tower of Leading and the human bodies therein will surely forever inspire us to be like him, to destroy Giant Communist Robots wherever they may be.